"I know in my heart I'll find my true love after I go on all these ridiculous dates on television with 25 shallow women."
So I watched “The Bachelor” for the first time by chance last night and let me tell you: curiosity does kill the 24-year old single white male. You see, my office consists of 85% women, so I find myself wondering what they’re talking about during the day while I’m busy trying to make sure I’ve definitely zipped my fly or remembering if I wore deodorant or not that day. It just so happens that on Tuesdays they’re talking about “The Bachelor”, and this Tuesday I wanted to be included in the conversation at lunch that inevitably surrounds Monday night’s episode.
If you’ve never watched “The Bachelor”, I’ll just go ahead and tell you that it is both utterly horrible and pretty damn hilarious all at the same time. The problem is that it’s no “Jersey Shore”, which I find to be an enjoyable watch. Whereas “Jersey Shore” always makes me laugh with the characters somehow, “The Bachelor” just leaves me wondering why the hell we decided to do this indoor plumbing thing and stop living in caves with 25 women of our tribe. Don’t worry, I can’t believe I’m writing a blog post about reality television, too.
So, this guy makes out with all the women on the show with the premise that he’s going to fall in love with one of them (who must have some ridiculous skill in making out because that’s all they really do) and eventually marry that lucky tongue-warbler in a completely romantic love story that they tell their children about on their deathbed.
In order to tell that story, though, they’d have to talk about how they met. I don’t know what screams “wedding bells” like telling someone that you met on a television show that draws its energy around five or six psychotic women who spend the entire time in monologue while the rest of the women (a girl at work called them “randos”, which I loved; good name for the Bachelor’s first child) sit around and cry about how the Bachelor is not paying attention to them. Why did I capitalize Bachelor?
They also go on “dates”, which are actually miniature soap opera/Fear Factor reruns where the Bachelor guy gets a helicopter/boat/haircut and shows up to pick the girl up and go do something that nobody ever does on a first date. The episode I watched involved the Bachelor and Psycho Bitch #2 rappelling down the side of a building in Los Angeles, which I know I’ve done before on a first date.
But wait, it gets better because they have to do something “romantic” in the middle of it. So of course they make out (didn’t see that one coming!) halfway down in front of the windows on the building. I thought I saw an accountant throw up in the window, too. I wish I had DVR for stuff like this, but I’m too busy flying helicopters to hot tubs on top of Mt. Everest for dates like normal bachelor dudes do.
This was also the original album artwork for a Motley Crue album on account of the girls, girls, girls. And the fact that they're all strippers.
At the end of the episode the Bachelor kicks some of the randos out in order to keep the house popping with all those nutjob women in there. He does this so that the ratings for the show stay up and so that the producers can get some good shots of women crying and stuff so that you know the next episode is going to be pretty zany. Then, there’s more monologue from an annoying girl about “love” and “destiny” and “the one”, and then there’s a preview of the next episode of more crying, monologue, making out, love and “the one.”
If you’ve gotten to the end of this blog post, you’re probably wondering why the hell I am even talking about this. If that is what you’re wondering, then I believe we’ve finally made a connection and that we’re on the same level, because the word count is getting pretty high and I’ve yet to come up with a good excuse as to why I’m in my room writing this instead of cleaning my bathroom or whatever I do on Tuesdays. I suppose we could assume that I’m jealous of the Bachelor, which I was open to when I first started watching the show. Wouldn’t most guys be overjoyed to be in a mansion with a bunch of easy women who are all reasonably attractive and are under the impression that you want to marry them on television?
Actually, yeah, I guess I’m just probably jealous!
EDIT: I forgot to mention that during my research, which involved only Wikipedia, I found out that that there is a Bachelor game for the Wii. What do you do, bring the controller in the hot tub with you and make out with it??
And if you're not already ridiculously lonely, it comes with "The Bachelorette", too!
